Art Basel Diary: Sunday

• Surprisingly I sleep well without drugs. I awake up proud.
• Remember weird dream of a dinner party where a certain boy mentions a girl in morocco who he is flying over to see every weekend. My heart sinks. This dream does not represent real life what so ever, but I still get caught up in the melodrama of my dreams
• Eat a banana & shower
• We head to News Café. Eat strawberries, banana & pineapple. I joke that Gianni Versace’s ghost is sitting at our table in the empty seat – but no one gets my joke. I think I am funny.
• Head to NADA
• Fall in love with Nina Canell at Mother’s Tankstation. Shall I buy the sculpture??…uummm…..
• Walk up to Pulse
• Say hello to Anne Barrault’s assistant Félicia. I’m impressed she remembers me from Paris. They are showing some amazing Catharina Van Eetvelde works.
• Two galleries practically opposite each other are showing Michael Scoggins.
• Cookie person walks past & I take some chocolate chip cookies
• Freight & Volume guy is very pushy
• Run into another Peter who has moved back to euro-land. His gallery is showing the most disgusting art I have seen in a long time.
• I tell a dealer their artist has works with LUMAS. They don’t believe me, but I know I am right
• Meet up with ND & head to the Cuban neighbourhood. Eat lots of plantains & paella. Taste the yummy coffee drink – it’s absolutely delicious, but I have no idea what it is called
• Head back to apt after a scenic drive through an island with ugly nuevo-rich eeekkk houses
• Finish packing & head to airport
• PT is obsessed with the lounge. I think it’s stupid to go as the plane is already boarding
• Sitting on plane now writing this
• My feet hurt from too much walking & wearing high heels at night
• My tummy hurts from the weird Cuban coffee
• Now I remember the cigarette girls at the shore club, how i almost fell in the pool, tommy hilfiger looking like a relative of j crew with his catcher’s mit face. Maybe he has the OMG STD?
• I am exhausted and I can’t rest as there is a guy with Tourette's syndrome sitting 2 rows in front and he is making weird noises like a yelping dog.
• Just stood up & danced on the plane while listening to the ‘I am a disco…you are a disco’ song. Got weird looks. Plane dancing rocks. Disco 82 baby!

Art Basel Diary: Saturday

• Eat pear & 2 yoghurts
• We then head to some random café for the boys to eat breakfast
• Go to Art Basel
• PT has a fit and refuses to pay $30 entry. ND & I are really confused and don’t quite understand what his problem is
• ND & I go inside & leave PT at the cigar bar
• We start by doing the Art Nova circle
• Major Basel trends: neon lights (so over that), slow motion popcorn, fake convenience stores with empty packages, animal headed people usually having sex, chocolate santas with butt plugs (Paul McCarthy of course..)
• Find Galerie Kamel Mennour. Christine Rebet’s work is excellent & I get very excited. Say hello to Marie-Sophie. Turns out Christine is there & I meet her. Yah! She talks us through her latest work and we talk about organising a visit to her studio.
• Visit the ‘major’ galleries. Gagosian disappoints showing humdrum works as are many other galleries
• Do Super Nova section last. Say hello to Spencer who turns out to be showing some amazing artists. Feel bad as I was supposed to bring him a snack and I forgot to
• Meet back up with PT who is back in the pool at the Raleigh. We sit there for a bit and see a blimp go past.
• Grab middle eastern quick bite
• I leave the boys and head to Art Positions. Introduce myself to Sarah Gavlak and talk about Anthony James
• Visit the ‘Silent Sound’ listening chamber last. Perfect way to end an intense day of art hunting
• Walk back to the apt along the beach with my feet in the water. It’s cooler now & I feel completely at peace with the world. Random people on the beach start talking to me – I think they recognize a shared clearness
• Get back to ND’s place & pass out on the bed
• Somehow muster energy to go out for dinner
• At dinner we have a heated debate about authenticity in art, uniqueness, plato’s cave. Then I start talking about Lacan’s schizophrenia just because I am obsessed with it.
• Head to some club close by. They are playing a mix of Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game dubbed with something else.
• There is a horse hanging from the ceiling
• Sam sends a msg to meet at boom boom room

Art Basel Diary: Friday

• Up at 6.30am to rush to airport. Feel like shit as I only had 2 hours of sleep
• Never fly AA again (2 hour delay)
• Worst cabbie ever. Today is just not going well…
• Rush over to Aqua. The set up is great and there are a few good galleries showing here.
• Starving at 4.30pm as I have not eaten anything since breakfast. I always expect my first meal in a new city to be bad and this was definitely the case. I eat the worst octopus salad ever at a shitty noodle shop.
• Go back to ND’s place. We head to dinner & I have some pizza with ricotta. Feel a little bit more energized but only in a fleeting carb-induced way.
• I feel extremely exhausted & realize the only way to keep me going is to start drinking alcohol.
• Get dressed up for the Vanity Fair/MoMA party at the Shore Club
• Find Sam immediately before I even walk in. This is very convenient.
• Start drinking elderflower cocktails. Yum. Tastes lychee-ish on first sip
• I feel fabulous
• Sam & I visit the photo booth
• Meet heaps of great people and run into old friends
• Look up at the 3 porthole windows of the hotel. I love circles.
• Feeling rather drunk after too many elderflower drinks
• Consider taking off dress and jumping in the pool
• Suddenly think I am in LA at a party that is caught somewhere between Less Than Zero & Lost Highway
• Release helium balloons into the sky
• Hear that Fabienne Delsol song I like (Laisse Tomber Les Filles) and no one else seems to know it
• We make plans for the next stop
• Head to Raleigh Hotel. I am happy the walk there only takes a couple of minutes
• Get very comfortable
• PT & ND arrive
• Sleep dancing is born
• PT goes in the pool in his boxers. Everyone thinks he is naked as his undies are skin coloured. He is the only one in the pool and it’s quite the spectacle.
• Raleigh is super cool – great vibe & ambience tonight. Everyone is speaking euro
• Some girl with glasses on warns me about SB & feels the need to tell me he is bad in bed. I think this is an inappropriate/odd thing to tell me.
• Sam is so wasted her eyes can’t stay open. Then she starts rubbing her hands on PT’s soaked body.
• Spencer won’t let me leave but I leave anyway
• I can’t sleep as PT is snoring and I’m paranoid the dog will attack me during the night
• 1.5 valiums later I get about 2-3 hours rest

How I Intend To Add Layers Of Fat To My Body To Keep Me Warm This Winter

A gourmet Dessert Truck recently opened just down the road on 8th St & University Place. They are serving the most sublime desserts and eating them has become a regular habit. It's so freezing this year I am hoping all of the chocolate puddings will make me fatter and once I am fatter I hope to develop a greater tolerance against the cold. After about a month of eating yummy things from the truck I seem to have lost weight... I will keep on trying though...

Alec Baldwin, His Impostors, Why Middle-Aged American Men Are Bloated and Why You Should Be Scared.

It’s truly amazing that I haven’t yet written about the most important actor of our time*. It’s not that I am fascinated by him just because of his supreme acting skills, his ability to hurl selfish little pig abuse at small children or his well documented diva like behaviour in theatre productions. My concern is the Alec copycats that prey on the innocent young women of Manhattan (i.e. women 35 & under). I first noticed this phenomenon just over a year ago but my interest on the subject was sparked once again this past week when I read about it in a Candice Bushnell book (I don’t usually read such crap, but this was scientific research on the wonderful entity that is Alec Baldwin). Here is a very short excerpt:

“Back to Peter, who was working himself into a frenzy over Alec Baldwin…..I feel sorry for the loser guys who these women won’t look at. What they really want is Alec Baldwin.”

Yes we all want Alec Baldwin. He is charming and incredibly handsome despite a bad case of middle-aged bloated-ness. Research has shown that Alec has a very unique form of middle-aged bloated-ness - it is a by-product of having too much ego. His ego is so big it no longer fits within his head and has moved into other parts of his body, creating a distinct puffiness. He often de-puffs a little after a tragic event such as missing out on a TONY or an Oscar, but in the past few years his bloated-ness has been increasing at a very rapid rate.

The impostors of this great man go to great lengths to imitate this puffiness in their quest to attract the women they could never have otherwise. This involves a dangerous and life threatening operation where excess ego is transferred from big headed actors (who want to avoid a state of extreme self-righteousness) over to the impostor (download my podcast on the matter: ‘River Phoenix Never Died From Drugs: He Went To The Clinic To Become More Like Alec Baldwin But Something Went Terribly Wrong’).

Here is a case study on one such impostor. I will refer to him as OMG (meaning ‘old man grandpa’). OMG is 44, works in high finance, and claims to be many things that he simply is not. Most people who are not aware of the Alec Baldwin Impostors would most probably think he was simply a mega douchebag, but it’s far more complicated and dangerous than that. This man will seem very handsome and charming when you first meet him. He spent many years at The Clinic To Become More Like Alec Baldwin which physically transformed him to look more like Alec – more specially: suavely handsome and bloated. He also went through a vigorous course to make him seem more cultured and egotistical to add puffiness: lessons in how to talk about art, theatre, opera, ballet, exotic holiday destinations and pretentious bars and hotels. Sometimes the training goes slightly wrong and the ego inflators will turn into ostentatiousness grabbules (slow loss of hair similar to balding). When you cross paths with the OMG or any other impostor he will talk the talk to impress his prey but you will always sense a streak of complete bullshit when you speak to one. The most dangerous thing that can happen to anyone who crosses path with one such Alec impostor like OMG is the OMG STD. This only occurs once one has had intercourse with an impostor. It’s a very rare degenerative disease that mainly causes grotesque facial deterioration such as very severe horizontal lines across the face (named the catcher’s mitt condition) or a distinct drop of the lower left hand corner of the face (named the lobotomised euro refugee). Other affects of this disease are a constant state of boredom, inability to maintain a conversation or even small chit-chat or the capacity to realize the impostor is a total loser. The OMG STD seems to only effect women over 35, but that is most probably because no woman under 35 has ever been stupid enough to sleep with an OMG. See the photo below which shows an OMG Alec Impostor surrounded by a group of women who are clearly all suffering from the OMG STD.

And keep this in mind- why do you think they called Chris Noth’s character in Sex & the City Mr Big? Because he was just a bloated OMG Alec impostor with a desperate desire to be just like dear Alec (i.e. big = bloated). The character of Carrie was also a walking example of the dangers of contracting an OMG STD – she suffered from the horse-face vein.

*ok – I am just pretending the far more talented Liev Schreiber & Christian Bale don’t really exist and are just figments of my imagination.

My New York Restaurant Map

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Eating Raw

I live and work very close to a lot of raw food restaurants. My favourite is Pure Food & Wine. I really enjoy eating raw but often get protein headaches after (the sort of headaches that scream for the flesh of a once living animal). They make the yummiest icecream from cashews and coconut meat sweetened with agave nectar rather than sugar. The chocolate is really amazing and very ice cream-like - it's my newest addiction. Also love their chocolate raw macaroons...













Apart from deserts their other food is also amazing, especially the raw lasagne ...I would never bother making it myself as I can just walk up the road & buy some.. but here is the recipe (I found it online):

Zucchini-and-Green-Zebra-Tomato Lasagne with Basil-Pistachio Pesto

Ingredients
Lemon-Pignoli “Ricotta”
2 cups raw pignoli nuts, soaked in water for at least 1 hour
2 tablespoons lemon juice
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast (optional; available in health food stores)
1 teaspoon sea salt

Tomato Sauce
2 cups good-quality sun-dried tomatoes (dry-packed), soaked in water for at least 2 hours
1 medium ripe tomato, diced
1/4 small onion, chopped
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
4 teaspoons maple syrup
2 teaspoons sea salt
Pinch hot-pepper flakes

Basil-Pistachio Pesto
2 cups packed basil leaves
1/2 cup raw pistachios
6 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 teaspoon sea salt, or to taste
Pinch freshly ground black pepper

Lasagne
3 medium zucchini, ends trimmed
3 medium green-zebra tomatoes (or other heirloom variety)
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh oregano
1 tablespoon fresh thyme leaves
Garnish: whole basil leaves


Cooking Instructions
Lemon-Pignoli “Ricotta”

Place the pignoli, lemon juice, nutritional yeast, and salt in a food processor, and pulse a few times, until thoroughly combined. Gradually add 6 tablespoons water, and pulse until the texture becomes fluffy, like ricotta. Place in a bowl, cover with plastic wrap, and set aside.

Tomato Sauce
Place all ingredients in a blender, and process until smooth.

Basil-Pistachio Pesto
Place all ingredients in a blender, and process until smooth.

Lasagne
Using a mandoline or vegetable peeler, shave zucchini lengthwise into very thin slices, then cut in half crosswise. Cut the tomatoes in half, and each half into thin slices. Line the bottom of a 9-by-13-inch baking dish with two layers of zucchini slices. Brush the zucchini lightly with olive oil, spread 1/3 of the tomato sauce over it, and top with small dollops of “ricotta” and pesto, using 1/3 of each. Layer on 1/3 of the tomato slices, and sprinkle with 1/3 of the oregano and thyme. Add another double layer of zucchini and repeat twice more with the tomato sauce, pesto, ricotta, tomato slices, and herbs. Serve immediately, or cover with plastic and let sit at room temperature for a few hours. Garnish with basil.

Pure Food & Wine

July 4th - Independence Day

Dancing in the kiddie pool looking horrible... dress tucked into undies...eeekkk

Flower District

Today was the start of a 4 day weekend for Memorial Day and I travelled up to the flower district for the first time ....lotus is cool.

Spring Risotto

Fiddleheads

I have no idea what these things are... I bought some at the Union Square markets after being told they "taste like spring". They look weird and tasted like a random green vegetable.

私は私がまだ飲まれることを考える

Too much sake, bollinger, great company, exquisite food and nasty blackberry camera photos at Jewel Bako