It’s truly amazing that I haven’t yet written about the most important actor of our time*. It’s not that I am fascinated by him just because of his supreme acting skills, his ability to hurl selfish little pig abuse at small children or his well documented diva like behaviour in theatre productions. My concern is the Alec copycats that prey on the innocent young women of Manhattan (i.e. women 35 & under). I first noticed this phenomenon just over a year ago but my interest on the subject was sparked once again this past week when I read about it in a Candice Bushnell book (I don’t usually read such crap, but this was scientific research on the wonderful entity that is Alec Baldwin). Here is a very short excerpt:
“Back to Peter, who was working himself into a frenzy over Alec Baldwin…..I feel sorry for the loser guys who these women won’t look at. What they really want is Alec Baldwin.”
Yes we all want Alec Baldwin. He is charming and incredibly handsome despite a bad case of middle-aged bloated-ness. Research has shown that Alec has a very unique form of middle-aged bloated-ness - it is a by-product of having too much ego. His ego is so big it no longer fits within his head and has moved into other parts of his body, creating a distinct puffiness. He often de-puffs a little after a tragic event such as missing out on a TONY or an Oscar, but in the past few years his bloated-ness has been increasing at a very rapid rate.
The impostors of this great man go to great lengths to imitate this puffiness in their quest to attract the women they could never have otherwise. This involves a dangerous and life threatening operation where excess ego is transferred from big headed actors (who want to avoid a state of extreme self-righteousness) over to the impostor (download my podcast on the matter: ‘River Phoenix Never Died From Drugs: He Went To The Clinic To Become More Like Alec Baldwin But Something Went Terribly Wrong’).
Here is a case study on one such impostor. I will refer to him as OMG (meaning ‘old man grandpa’). OMG is 44, works in high finance, and claims to be many things that he simply is not. Most people who are not aware of the Alec Baldwin Impostors would most probably think he was simply a mega douchebag, but it’s far more complicated and dangerous than that. This man will seem very handsome and charming when you first meet him. He spent many years at The Clinic To Become More Like Alec Baldwin which physically transformed him to look more like Alec – more specially: suavely handsome and bloated. He also went through a vigorous course to make him seem more cultured and egotistical to add puffiness: lessons in how to talk about art, theatre, opera, ballet, exotic holiday destinations and pretentious bars and hotels. Sometimes the training goes slightly wrong and the ego inflators will turn into ostentatiousness grabbules (slow loss of hair similar to balding). When you cross paths with the OMG or any other impostor he will talk the talk to impress his prey but you will always sense a streak of complete bullshit when you speak to one. The most dangerous thing that can happen to anyone who crosses path with one such Alec impostor like OMG is the OMG STD. This only occurs once one has had intercourse with an impostor. It’s a very rare degenerative disease that mainly causes grotesque facial deterioration such as very severe horizontal lines across the face (named the catcher’s mitt condition) or a distinct drop of the lower left hand corner of the face (named the lobotomised euro refugee). Other affects of this disease are a constant state of boredom, inability to maintain a conversation or even small chit-chat or the capacity to realize the impostor is a total loser. The OMG STD seems to only effect women over 35, but that is most probably because no woman under 35 has ever been stupid enough to sleep with an OMG. See the photo below which shows an OMG Alec Impostor surrounded by a group of women who are clearly all suffering from the OMG STD.
And keep this in mind- why do you think they called Chris Noth’s character in Sex & the City Mr Big? Because he was just a bloated OMG Alec impostor with a desperate desire to be just like dear Alec (i.e. big = bloated). The character of Carrie was also a walking example of the dangers of contracting an OMG STD – she suffered from the horse-face vein.
*ok – I am just pretending the far more talented Liev Schreiber & Christian Bale don’t really exist and are just figments of my imagination.
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